


Shock (Phan short)

by phanicstation



Category: Phan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-12 12:32:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11737107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phanicstation/pseuds/phanicstation
Summary: Just a short, fluffy, phanfiction to warm the soul. Pretty angsty at first, but I promise it's cute.





	Shock (Phan short)

(A/N- enjoy this little short story I wrote for you guys :) thanks to all who have checked out my other stories as well. Love you all. -Oliver)

-no triggers aside from mild angst-

Dear Dan,  
Shock is an interesting state, isn't it? Both emotionally and physically. It's like when your computer crashes. There's simply too much to download all at once, so it gives up and goes blank. I believe that's what my mind is doing at the moment. Do you remember the accident at that hotel when we were little? I was running back to our room with a glass of water in my hands, and I crashed into the wall. Glass went everywhere, including directly into my shoulder when I fell. There was a huge gash, just pouring blood all over everything. You came rushing over to see what had happened, and nearly fainted.   
"Dan? I think I hurt myself."  
I said calmly.   
You whimpered and ran to my mum, screaming for someone to call and ambulance. But when we arrived at the hospital, I walked in with a smile on my face, my mum clutching my left hand, and you my right. I wouldn't stop babbling about how cool it was to be in an ambulance, with all the lights and sounds and people. I couldn't feel a thing. Not yet, anyway. That was shock. My body was in so much pain, it shut down so I wouldn't have to go through it. 

Don't worry, I'm not bleeding to death. But I may as well explain my shock anyway.

It was nearing 3 in the morning on Wednesday night. It was scarily quiet, and horrendously cold, considering how nice the weather had been just last week. The world around me was still... But not asleep. It seemed more to be wide awake, frozen and breathless, with eyes wide open and searching for anyone or anything that dared to move.

I, of course, was in my bed, staring mindlessly at the pale blueish light from my laptop cast eerily across the ceiling of my bedroom. It was at this point that decided I should probably get some sleep, so I shut my laptop and shoved it under my bed. 

I found myself pondering of strange, horrid things during my feeble attempts to fall asleep. Like... What I was going to do tomorrow. I know this seems like a perfectly normal thought to you, but without you here with me, every decision I make seems like the wrong one. Everything is a war when you're away, Dan. Everything is either impossible or not worth doing.

It was then that I felt a sudden vibration underneath my head. Though it nearly scared me to death, I soon realized it was only my phone. I always kept it under my pillow at night incase you needed me. Slightly blinded by the bright light, I slid my finger across the screen and held it up to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Phil?"

I could immediately hear the tears in your voice. 

"Dan? What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"I can't do this anymore. I'm a failure. I tried, and tried, and fucking tried, but I'm simply not good enough to succeed in this world."

For fucks sake, Dan. Don't you ever listen? 

"Dan, shut up, you're perfe-"

"No, you shut up. You've told me that I'm perfect time and time again. And I just can't stop proving you wrong."

"Bear."

You were silent. Though I could still hear your ragged, angry breaths echoing through the receiver.

"Come home."  
I whispered. 

"I can't."

"You will."

You didn't reply for what seemed like ages.

"I will."  
You breathed slowly.

"I love you."

"I know. I just don't understand why."

I sighed in response.

"I'll see you by tomorrow evening."  
You said warily.

"Okay."

And then you were gone.

I wasn't surprised that you couldn't do it anymore. I was, however, a bit shocked that you'd finally agreed to come home. I couldn't have been more relieved, though. I needed you. And at the moment, you needed me just as much.

I hardly slept a wink that night. (Which was normal, yet frustrating as always.) My nerves were tangled and knotted like cobwebs that had been torn from the ceiling.

Don't you see what you do to me, Daniel? Or are you just that ignorant, that you'd look past every sigh of frustration, every fake smile, every tear that's ever rolled down my cheek when you thought I couldn't see you standing in the doorway? I hate myself for loving you sometimes, you know? I still don't regret it. But it's a mistake nonetheless.

Once I awoke the next morning, I decided that being angry or resentful towards you was a terrible thing, considering your current circumstances. I needed to put my feelings aside, as I had so many times before, and help you through this. How, I wasn't yet sure, but I knew I couldn't let you figure it all out on your own. 

I knew exactly what you'd do once you got here. You'd sulk, go around slamming doors and stuffing your face. You'd ignore me. You'd ignore everyone. And once I wrapped my arms around you and held you close, you'd try to wriggle away. But soon enough, you'd relax and let me hold you until you stopped crying. And you'd insist I held you until one of us died of starvation. So we'd lay down in your bed, clinging to each other until one of us fell asleep and the other finally rolled over. I know you, Dan. I know your process. And I was ready to repeat it once again when you returned home. 

Looking down, I realized my thoughts had allowed time to slip away from me once again, as my cereal had gone from Shreddies to Soggies. Gross. 

"Hi guys! So, as you know, Dan has been off at university for the last month or so. But after he called me last night, I could tell how hard of a time he's having, and I thought I'd do something a bit different today to try and cheer him up a bit. So this video is going to be:  
Reasons Why Dan Is Not, Never Has Been, And Never Will Be A Fail! 

1\. Dan always puts others' needs before his own, no matter what the circumstances. I've honestly never met anyone as selfless as him. If we were in Divergent, he'd belong in Abnegation. 

2\. He's the most talented person I've ever come across in my life. He always claims to be a worthless potato on legs, but that's the opposite of true. I think you all know the main reasons why, but there are so many more.

3\. Dan is the world's tallest lesbian. I'm kidding, of course, but have you seen him???? You could eat cereal out of his dimples. Perhaps I'll try that someday. "

I went on like that for... Much longer than I expected. The time got away from me, and I ended up waffling on for over 15 minutes... Whoops. 

I finally took a look at the clock and let out a small laugh. I'm a mess.

"I guess I'd better wrap this up, huh? Well... The final and most important reason why Dan is not a fail... Is that..."

I cleared my throat.

"He may not see it. Or maybe he just doesn't acknowledge it. But I'm so hopelessly in love with him... That I would give him the world and all the wonderful things in it if I possibly could. But this is all I have. This video is all I have."

Before I could even stand up, you rushed into the room, covered in jackets and coats and shoulder bags. Once you saw me, you dropped everything you were holding to the floor and grinned. I beamed up at you from my spot on the floor.

"Dan!"

Remembering the camera, I quickly hit the record button again to stop the video I had been making.

I sprinted across the room and practically leapt into your arms, holding you as tightly as physically possible without breaking you. 

"Long time, no see."  
You smiled, your arms tight around my waist. I could hear the tiredness in your voice, however. 

"Come on, lets get all those coats off of you."  
I said, peeling the first layer of winter cloth off your slender form.

"Thanks."

A few minutes later, we were sat on the floor of the living room in front of the fireplace. 

"Do you want hot chocolate?"

I asked, standing up and walking over to the kitchen.

"Do we have milk?"

"I don't think so."

"Then what's the point?"  
You grumbled.

"C'mon, Dan, it's the kind with the little marshmallows in it."

You thought for a moment before uttering a quiet "fine." and turning back to the fire. 

I came back a minute later with both our mugs and reclaimed my spot next to you on the soft, plushy carpet. 

The evening had faded to night by then, the sun disappeared completely from the sky. The moon was but a sliver and the stars specked around it like bright little freckles. We didn't have any lights on in the house, except the Christmas tree lights (which were plenty bright, considering how well decorated it was) and the fire place. 

I hesitated before asking in barely more than a whisper,

"Do you want to talk about it?"

You chewed your lip.

"What is there to talk about? I was a lazy piece of shit, as usual, put off studying until the last minute, stayed up until two in the morning, got angry and threw a text book across the room, had to pay for the damage I made to the wall, cried for an hour, called you, stared at the wall until it was time to pack, walked to the train station, got sneezed on by an angry man in the seat next to mine, arrived back here, and..."  
Your voice trailed off.

"It seems as though time has caught up with us."

I looked down at my feet and began to mindlessly play with a loose string in the carpet.

"Why didn't you come home sooner? I kept on telling you that you didn't have to keep trying anymore."

"Well, what good would that do me? I wanted you to tell me to keep trying, to encourage me to work harder, and make a better life for myself. You just wanted me to give up."

I blew out my cheeks and shook my head.

"At first it was just because I was being selfish and wanted to have you back home with me, no matter what the circumstances. I'm sorry for that, I really am. But Dan... Then I realized. If you REALLY wanted to become a lawyer when you got older... Wouldn't you have had that motivation to try in the first place? Wouldn't you have wanted to make it through all the classes and exams and lectures? At least in the first month of you being there, I mean..."

Your eyes flickered over my fiddling hands and up to meet mine. By the light of the fire, your eyes looked like the lit ends of cigarettes. And they seemed to be burning holes into my soul as you spoke.

"But now I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. Do you know how terrifying that is? I'm going to end up a hobo on the streets with nothing and no one, just because I couldn't make up my mind. Well, I mean, if it weren't for you..."

"Exactly."  
I whispered, taking a sip from the steaming mug in front of me. 

You silently resumed your stare into the fireplace.

"What am I going to do?"  
You sighed.

"We both know how much talent you have, and you're not going to let that go to waste."

"But what are the chances I'll be successful? Especially enough so to make a living out of it?"

"You're going to make it, Dan."

"I don't wanna-"

"And if you turn this into an MCR reference, I will push you into the fire."

That made you giggle, but it wasn't long before your face resumed it's previous somber expression. 

I looked away to the wall and bit my lower lip.

"I love you."

"Why do you always say that?"

"Because it's true."  
I said flatly.

"Doesn't it hurt?"

"Why would it hurt?"

"Because I'd be hurt if someone I loved kept on disappointing me over and over again."

I closed my eyes for a brief second before standing up and walking to my room. 

You appeared in the doorway shortly after I sat down on my bed.

"Are you going to sleep?"  
You asked.

"No."

I walked over to you and set my open laptop in your arms. 

"Go sit back down and press play."

"Why? What is this?"

I moved past you and grabbed my keys off the table.

"I'll be back in 15."

I don't know why, but I didn't want to be with you when you saw the video. I just wanted you to be able to take it all in on your own. So I ran out to the shop and mindlessly walked up and down the isles grabbing random items, just to put them back on the shelves again.

The night was so cold. I swear I'm not just talking about the weather. It felt solemn and quiet. The tension followed me back down the dark London roads to our apartment. It had been over 20 minutes, but I wasn't sure I even wanted to go back inside. You probably knew I was in love with you before I ever said anything, so what was the big deal, really? It wasn't going to make a difference. Nothing I said would. 

Despite my rationality, my heart began to pound as soon as I approached the door. I could feel it in my chest, and hear it in my head. It was maddening.

Cursing myself for being such a coward, I finally threw open the door to find you, standing there patiently, fiddling your thumbs.

Without looking up, you cursed me under your breath.

"Fuck you."

"I can take it down."

You remained silent, apart from a soft hiccing noise from your throat.

"Are you crying?"  
I asked gently, my heart clenching at the obvious pain and annoyance.

Finally, you lifted your head slowly in my direction. You had a silly grin plastered on your face, eyes crinkled at the edges and dimple popping out on your cheek. 

You continued to giggle at me.

"W-what are you laughing about?"  
I asked, starting to subconsciously smile myself.

"Fuck you, Phil."

You said, stepping close enough to wrap your hand around the back of my neck and pull my lips to yours, throwing the other arm around my lower half and pressing our bodies together. Shocked, I fell back against the wall, but you just pressed me further into it with the force of your kiss. 

You stopped for just one short second to whisper it one last time.

"Fuck you."


End file.
